


A Question of Closeness

by Lumelle



Series: She-Elves and Dwarrowdams and Hobbit Lasses, Oh My [2]
Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, Asexual Character, Asexuality, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Female Fíli, Female Ori, Femslash February, Genderbending, Relationship Discussions, Wedding Night
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-19
Updated: 2016-02-19
Packaged: 2018-05-21 22:57:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6061276
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lumelle/pseuds/Lumelle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A wedding night, of course, is enough to make many people nervous. However, Ori rather suspects her anxiety is not just a simple case of nerves. This is proven beyond any doubt when Fíli's touch makes her flee.</p>
<p>Fortunately, Fíli is a very good wife indeed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Question of Closeness

**Author's Note:**

> Another fic for Femslash February! Also more Fíli/Ori because the world needs more of that.
> 
> **Please note** that this fic features a character reacting badly to a (consensual) sexual situation. There are also references to a character with an established gender identity being treated as agender for cultural reasons. Please read accordingly.
> 
> I should also point out that there are all kinds of asexual people. Some have a sex drive and just don't feel the need to share it with anyone, others may not want it for themselves yet are fine with having sex for the sake of their partner. This is in no way meant to be an example of all or even most asexual people, just how this particular version of asexual Ori would react in this particular situation.

To say that Ori was nervous as her wedding day turned into night would have been quite the understatement.

She was happier than ever during the ceremony, and delighted during the festivities, but as they were chased out with laughter and teasing shouts she felt nerves creeping up on her. Fíli held her hand all the way to the rooms they were to share from now on, a firm, steady presence that kept her from simply running off in a fit of panic. Sure, things were unfamiliar here, but she could count on Fíli to be with her through everything, no matter what. Wasn't that what they had just vowed to each other?

They had barely managed to get inside and close the door behind themselves when Fíli drew Ori into a deep kiss, arms encircling her and holding her close. And that, that was good. Ori loved being held by Fíli, loved leaning in and feeling that sturdy body supporting her. Now, she was still not entirely sure she quite understood the point of kisses, which honestly just seemed like an awful lot of silliness with no reward, but kissing seemed to make Fíli happy, and Ori wanted to make Fíli happy. So, kisses happened, as they had happened before, and Ori had no problem with that.

It was what was to come after the kisses that made her hesitate, just a little, as Fíli gently guided her toward the bedroom.

She knew what to expect of her wedding night, of course. She'd had quite possibly the most mortifying conversation of her life with Dori just a few days earlier, had been assured that her nervousness would fade in due time. Fíli was just as nervous about it all, Dori had assured her, and there in the comfort of their sitting room — no, Dori's sitting room, it wasn't hers anymore — it had seemed easy enough to believe. Now, she wasn't so sure.

Oh, Fíli did seem nervous, yes. She could read it in the way Fíli licked her lips in a nervous manner, the way her hands trembled just a bit as she helped Ori out of the elaborate wedding gown Dori had made for her. Fíli herself was wearing a simpler dress, exchanging jewels and embroidery for rich fabric in deep Durin blue that didn't draw attention away from the circlet that was nestled in her crown of golden braids. It was an appropriate choice for the crown princess, Ori supposed, who might one day have to give up dresses entirely. Thorin favoured robes in formal occasions, when they weren't in armour, never showing preference to one gender over another, and Fíli would be expected to follow the same rule one day. Except for now Fíli was still the crown princess, her outfit perhaps simple in cut yet still undeniably a dress, and the body that was revealed underneath it was utterly, undeniably female.

Fíli was beautiful, Ori decided, eyes drinking in the sight as Fíli's dress and the shift underneath it were both discarded on the floor without much care for the poor garments. Oh, perhaps Fíli's face was not quite the epitome of dwarven beauty standards, and she was really too tall and slim to appeal to most, but Ori didn't care about such things. She saw strong arms and a sturdy frame, thick golden mane and kind blue eyes. This was Fíli, her wife, and Ori wasn't sure she had ever seen anything so beautiful.

Why, then, did Ori not feel more drawn to her?

They were both bare, now, and Ori shivered in a way she wasn't entirely sure was only due to the cool air of the bedroom as Fíli closed the distance between them once again. She was drawn into another kiss, big, strong hands settling at her waist, and this was still fine even though the feeling of Fíli's hands on bare skin was new, the heat radiating from her was new. They hadn't really gone this far yet, had been perfectly proper up until the wedding no matter how much Nori or Kíli might have teased them, but now they were married and new territory awaited. Ori wanted nothing more than to sink into the kiss and lean against Fíli's chest as usual, except even that seemed strange now that it would have been skin against skin without layers upon layers of clothing separating them. Leaning in would have landed her right against Fíli's bosom, and for all that it might have been perfectly acceptable or even expected of her now, Ori found herself hesitating.

Fíli didn't seem to notice the rising panic Ori was trying to contain, continuing to pepper her lips with kisses, long deep ones and quick pecks and everything in between. Her hands were sliding along Ori's skin now, Fíli's hands on Ori's bare skin, and for all that Ori tried to focus on the kisses she found that she could not think of anything but those hands. They seemed to be much warmer than they had any right to be, burning her like a cup of freshly brewed tea that she might have grabbed carelessly, and surely it wasn't supposed to be like that?

Fíli made a small sound against her lips, one hand sliding to Ori's back to draw her closer, the other circling to the front of her chest to cup one of her breasts. Surely that must have been an awkward position, some distant part of Ori's mind managed to think in a kind of hysteric amusement, there were so many better ways to settle her arms, this was just ridiculous. The far larger part of her mind was occupied by less amusing thoughts, such as how none of this was making her feel good. Even the hand at her back, which usually would have felt reassuring and secure, now just felt like something trying to corral her in against her will.

Ori managed to work her hands between them, settling them on Fíli's chest, low enough not to touch anything she didn't feel comfortable touching. Fíli gave a soft, approving sound, a sort of pleased sigh, and that was the final straw for Ori, who pushed against Fíli's chest while stepping back. She got away easily enough, even sent Fíli staggering back a little despite her larger frame; Dori was not the only one who had inherited their mother's famously strong arms.

Ori stood for a moment with her hands still raised to push, trying to get her breathing under control. Fíli was now staring at her, looking confused and concerned and perhaps a bit hurt, and oh, Ori couldn't handle that right now. She took a stumbling step back, then another, trying in vain to stop her breathing from growing faster and shallower by every moment.

"I — I'm sorry," she somehow managed to choke out, before she whirled around and fled from the room.

She didn't really know where she was headed, rushing out without heed to Fíli's call of her name. It wasn't like she could leave, not without her clothes, not that she particularly wanted to deal with seeing anyone else right now. She found the study door more by chance than any conscious plan on her part, rushing inside and slamming the door shut behind her.

The study was her own space, furnished and decorated to her liking. Fíli had been so proud when she'd first showed it to Ori, had beamed at the thought of offering her beloved something like this, with high bookshelves lining the walls and a heavy, large desk dominating one end with a comfy armchair and a fireplace at the other. The door could be locked, Fíli had showed her how, so she could focus on her reading or work without fear of disruptions. She now fumbled the lock shut with shaking hands, then slumped against the door before sliding down to the floor.

The smooth stone floor was cold against her bare skin, but she hardly even noticed, drawing her knees up to her chest and wrapping her arms around them. Her entire body was trembling, waves of nausea bubbling up from the pit of her stomach as she struggled against tears. From the other side of the door she heard Fíli's voice, calling her name in a distressed tone, but she couldn't bring herself to answer. Not now, when she had showed just how unworthy she was of Fíli.

Hugging herself even tighter, Ori pressed her face against her knees and cried.

*

Fíli was at a loss.

Clearly she had done something wrong, and therefore was responsible for fixing things. However, fixing something was rather hard when she wasn't entirely sure what the problem was in the first place. Of course, she could infer a few things from the situation at hand, but frankly, none of them were particularly pleasant. Not that it mattered, of course, things could be true without being pleasant, and clearly some unpleasantness had already been going on.

Had she mentioned she also felt guilty on top of lost? Because she absolutely did.

Ori was in the study, she knew as much, could hear her sobbing through the door. And oh, did that make Fíli feel horrible. She'd made her wife cry on their wedding night, and not the good kind of tears. She could hardly get any lower than this.

Ori didn't answer as Fíli called for her, even though she had to hear her, the door didn't block noise that much. The only conclusion she could draw from this was that Ori didn't want to talk to her, which, well, fair enough. Clearly Fíli had upset her somehow, so getting away from Fíli was a perfectly logical course of action for her to take.

Well. Fíli standing in wait behind the door was hardly going to make things any better.

After another moment of receiving no response, Fíli wandered back to the bedroom. There was a big trunk by the wall, delivered there just this morning, with Ori's clothes stacked neatly inside. Fíli grabbed the first thing she came across, a warm robe in a soft purple, then threw it on the bed as she turned to her own wardrobe. Taking out a simple tunic and trousers and pulling them on, she then picked up the robe again and went back to the study door.

"Ori?" She knocked on the door and got no answer, again, but when she tried the door it was still locked, so Ori had to still be inside. "Ori, I got you a robe, I'll leave it right outside. I'll just — I'll be in the kitchen if you want to talk. Or if not, that's all right, too. I… ah. Right." What was she supposed to do, here?

Settling the robe down on the floor, Fíli quickly turned and walked over to the kitchen. It really wasn't enough to warrant such a grand name, being more of a little nook where Fíli sometimes gobbled down a quick breakfast before heading out, but it sufficed for them. Neither of them was one for cooking, and they ate most of their meals elsewhere, anyway; Fíli had asked Ori about it well before the wedding and Ori had declared she would be perfectly fine as long as she had somewhere to make tea. The most important feature of the kitchen right now was that it had no view of either the study or the front door of the apartment, meaning that if Ori wanted to leave, she could do so without drawing notice.

Fíli busied herself with starting a fire and getting a kettle of water above it. She liked tea well enough when it was offered to her, though she preferred a good ale; however, the fine art of actually preparing it had quite escaped her so far. That was fine, though, it wasn't her who needed the tea, anyway. Assuming that Ori didn't just run straight back to Dori for better tea and company both.

Whatever Fíli might have feared, after some time of staring at the kettle she heard footsteps from the door of the kitchen. Glancing over, she saw Ori standing in the doorway, looking uncertain. She had clearly been crying, Fíli realised with a sinking heart, hugging herself as though to draw some comfort from that. Somehow she looked even smaller than usual, standing there barefoot in the robe Fíli had left for her.

"Ah, good timing." Fíli kept her voice soft, not trying to force cheer when they both knew it was unlikely to be coming right now. "I have absolutely no idea how this whole tea brewing thing is supposed to work, so I'm afraid if you actually want anything but hot water, you'll have to prepare it yourself."

"Ah. Right." Ori fiddled with her sleeves, and Fíli probably shouldn't have found that so utterly adorable. Instead of remarking it she stepped back, letting Ori step forward to the stove. She leaned against a wall and watched Ori quietly prepare two cups of tea with the supplies Dori had delivered several days before, declaring that Ori couldn't be expected to move in anywhere without proper tea and utterly ignoring the fact Ori had been slowly accumulating tea supplies in Fíli's rooms for a while now.

Oh, if only that had been the only measure of whether Fíli was taking proper care of Ori.

It wasn't until Ori hesitantly handed her a cup that Fíli felt it right to speak again. "Are you all right?"

Ori blinked, a hint of tears still in her eyes. "What?"

"Are you all right?" Fíli repeated herself, taking a small sip of the tea. "Okay, sorry, that's a stupid question. You're clearly not all right. So instead, what did I do? Whatever it was, I'd rather not repeat it."

"It's… it's nothing you did." So why wouldn't Ori meet her eyes, now?

"Bullshit." Fíli snorted. "I was kissing and touching you, and then you fled in a panic. Clearly I did something I really shouldn't have."

"It's not you, though." Ori clutched her own cup of tea close to her chest as though it would shield her from everything. "I — I think I'm broken somehow."

"Broken?" Fíli frowned. "What do you mean?"

"It didn't feel right." Ori murmured, hardly even audible. "When you were touching me, and kissing me, it's supposed to feel good, right? Except it didn't, it just felt weird, and I — I can't, Fíli. I can't do this, and I'm so sorry, I just can't…"

"Oh, Ori." Fíli sighed, now, trying not to feel too relieved. She was still not blameless. "I'm the one who should be sorry. I didn't even notice you didn't like it before you pushed me away, clearly I wasn't paying enough attention."

"That's not your fault, though." Ori dipped her head, eyes hidden behind her fringe. "You had every right to expect me to like it, to want it. And I thought I could give you that, I really thought I was just being nervous, but… I guess I'm just too broken somehow."

"You're not broken." Fíli set her tea aside, still almost untouched, and stepped closer to Ori. "And that's not something anyone ever has the right to expect of someone else. Even if they are in love, even if they are married, that doesn't change anything."

"But you are my wife," Ori whispered. "I love you, I really do. And I like it when you hold me close, and I want to make you happy. Why can't I just…"

"My guess is, that's just not how you were made." Well, Ori had said she liked being held, but Fíli still wasn't going to take any chances of upsetting her again. Moving a little closer, Fíli waited to see Ori's reaction. When she didn't move away, Fíli reached her arms loosely around Ori, mindful of the hot tea she was holding. "You're no more broken than any dwarf who is craft-wed by choice."

"That's different, though." Ori turned in the circle of Fíli's arms, and for a moment Fíli almost thought she'd upset her, but then Ori just leaned back against her chest. And that, that was good, that was fine. That meant she hadn't messed things up beyond repair yet. "They just weren't made to love, and that's fine. But I do love you, I just…" Ori paused, and Fíli felt her shiver. "I don't want you."

"And that's still not wrong, and doesn't make you broken." Fíli tightened her arms around Ori, just enough to be secure while hopefully not being constricting. "Sure, it's not as commonly known, but you're not the first dwarf to love without want, and I rather doubt you're going to be the last. There was old Fundin's husband, for example."

Ori turned her head to look at Fíli, blinking in surprise. "What?"

"Old stoneloins, they used to call him. According to Thorin, Fundin used to joke that the only difference between his husband and a bear was that a bear could at least be roused once a year." Fíli pressed a little kiss to Ori's hair. "And if you tried to claim they didn't love each other, I think you'd have both Balin and Dwalin hunting you down for such an insult."

"Well, even so, I should have figured it out earlier." Ori sighed. "If I'd known before that I couldn't overcome this, maybe you wouldn't have been trapped with me like this."

"Never trapped, Ori. If you had rejected me, I would have declared myself craft-wed and never sought another. As long as I know you love me, that's enough for me. There's none other I would rather have as my spouse." She couldn't help a little smirk. "As for my desires, I've made do with my own two hands before. I'm sure they're still just as functional."

"I'm sure your hands are very skilled indeed." And that, that was the tone she wanted to hear from Ori, the slight teasing a relief even if there was still a hint of tears to it. Then, however, Ori's voice immediately went serious again. "I — if you ever do want another, I wouldn't —"

"Never." Fíli was just going to put that thought down immediately. "The only reason I would ever share my bed with another would be if we wanted children, and even that would only be with your knowledge and consent. You are my One, Ori, I'm certain of that. If Mahal has made you like this, that must mean he's also made me so that I can live my life without a bedmate."

"Right." Ori nodded. "I — I do love you. I want to share my life with you, to wake up next to you every morning, to kiss you goodnight every night. I want to be held by you and stand by your side. It's just… I have no desire for all the rest of that."

"I told you, it's fine. And if it bothers you when I attend to my own desires, I'll do that somewhere else. I'd never want to make you uncomfortable." Mahal knew it wouldn't be the first time she took care of herself in bath or somewhere similar.

"I… I honestly don't know how I feel about that. I'd like to say I'll be fine, but… well, I thought I'd be fine with everything else, too, once I got over my nerves."

"Then we'll take things a step at a time, okay? And if you feel the slightest bit uncomfortable about anything, you'll tell me, all right? Promise you'll tell me." The last thing she wanted was to upset Ori again.

"I… right. I promise." Ori nodded again, a bit firmer this time.

"Good." Fíli kissed Ori's hair again. "Now, finish your tea. And after that, if you're amenable, we could go to bed and cuddle until we fall asleep." Any hint of desire she might have felt had been well and truly wiped away by the idea of her wife being shaken to tears at her touch. "And in the morning we can get up nice and early when everyone expects us to sleep in and bother all the people who'll be dealing with hangovers."

This, at least, startled a teary giggle out of Ori. "Such as Dwalin and Nori, you mean?"

"That would be an example, yes." Fíli smiled. "So, how about it? Does my plan sound agreeable to you, my darling wife?"

"I think it sounds very excellent indeed, my love." And that, that was all that Fíli needed, more than any heated touches or lustful gazes. As long as she had this, nothing else mattered.

As long as Ori was happy, Fíli could want for nothing more.


End file.
